Sing along to Hakuna Qatada

I saw a joke on twitter about writing a parody version of the Hakuna Matata song and thought sod it, how hard could it be. Well once you have read this you may decide it is very hard, or you may chuckle, either way enjoy. 

Oh and if anyone wants to make a youtube video singing this I would be delighted!

To the tune of Hakuna Matata by The Lion King

[TIMON]

Abu Qatada!

What a horrible shit

[PUMBA]

Abu Qatada!

A fucking ugly git

[TIMON]

He’ll claim benefits

For the rest of his days

[TIMON AND PUMBA]

It's his problem-free philosophy

Abu Qatada!

[TIMON]

Abu Qatada!

[YOUNG SIMBA]

[spoken] Abu Qatada?

[PUMBA]

[spoken] Yeah. The beardy extremist!

[YOUNG SIMBA]

[spoken] What's an extremeist?

[TIMON]

[spoken] They belong to the religion of peace! (laughs)

[PUMBA]

[spoken] That man will drive you insane.

[TIMON]

[spoken] That's right. Take Abu Hamza

[sung] Why...when he was scrounging git!

[PUMBA]

When he was scrounging git!

[TIMON]

[spoken] Very nice

[PUMBA]

[spoken] Thanks.

[TIMON]

He found his hook had a certain appeal

He could preach to dozens after every meal

[PUMBA]

He was a murderous soul

And it hurt that we couldn’t, deport him

[PUMBA]

And, oh, the shame

[TIMON]

Oh, the shame!

[PUMBA]

Labour’s eternal shame

[TIMON]

Even more shame

[PUMBA]

And they got downhearted

[TIMON]

How did they feel?

[PUMBA]

When Theresa May...

[TIMON]

[spoken] Hey, Pumbaa! No need to rub it in

[PUMBA]

[spoken] Oh, sorry.

[TIMON AND PUMBA]

Abu Qatada!

Can we deport him please

Abu Qatada!

His beard smells like cheese!

[YOUNG SIMBA]

We will deport him, whatever game he plays,

[ALL]

It's our terriorist-free, philosophy

Abu Qatada!

Abu Qatada! Abu Qatada!

Abu Qatada! Abu Qatada!

Abu Qatada! Abu Qatada!

Abu Qatada! Abu --

[(OLDER) SIMBA]

We will deport him, whatever game he plays

[ALL]

It's our terriorist-free, philosophy

Abu Qatada! [repeat]

By Robert

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The Most Important Blog You Will Ever Read

Ed Balls

Old Holborn & Free Speech

Why do people struggle with the concept of free speech. It's not hard, but so many seem to think free speech is the freedom to say what doesn't offend me. Well the professionally offended have been out in force and the story of Old Holborn is all over Twitter.

Lets just be clear about this, Old Holborn was a bit of a dick. He posted some horrible stuff, sometimes he could be funny but often he would be offensive. That shouldn't be hard to deal with on the internet, I mean you can ignore what he says. Even better than that Twitter has a block button, glorious my brothers we can never be offended by him again. I was horribly bullied as a child, both verbally and physically. You know what I was told, just ignore what they are saying, words can't hurt you. It's true you know, words are meaningless things to which we place a value. I get loads of abuse on Twitter, as you would expect when you say such controversial things as "I agree with the cap on benefits." You have 3 easy ways of dealing with online abuse, ignore, wind them up (my personal favourite) or block. I know how hard this is for the professionally offended. Hell when you offend them once they start looking through your Twitter history for more stuff to take offence at. When someone who has abused me for something I said then re tweets a comment from a month ago for their friends to have a go at you know you are dealing with an idiot. 

Old Holborn is having his life systematically ruined by these people. Publishing his address, phone number and sending death threats to his family. Phoning his place of work and making threats as well, is this covered by the malicious communications act? The aftershocks are already happening, @obotheclown has announced he is leaving twitter because he is worried about the security of his family and friends, the threat of exposure and possibly police action.

We stand at an important point in our history. The controversial issue of "hate crime" has been in the news as it now includes "goths" (beating someone to death should carry the same sentence whatever the reason, not carry more because of race, religion or how you dress), what's next? Carrot tops, fatties, half pints, blonde bimbos, slap heads or toffs? Press regulation is already making papers nervous before it comes in, how else can you explain Guido scooping over a month ahead that Rolf was being questioned by police? Now add Old Holborn, police looking in to his actions for being offensive. We won the last big battle, the "Twitter joke trial" but can we win this?

If anything I have said offends you please take time to explain it in writing, put it in an envelope and shove it up your arse! (Said in solidarity with Old Holborn)

Rob

Some points on Transgender - minus the keyboard warriors

Well well, Julie Burchill & Suzanne Moore have brought the trans debate to the mainstream hasn't it. Rather unfortunatre that any worthwhile point Burchill had to make about the treatment of her friend Moore got lost in a triade of abuse. Writing with passion is good, writing when obviously angry is very very bad. I have been on the recieving end of keyboard warriors, agenda pushers and people who are just angry. Often on twitter the measly 140 charecters is not sufficiant and the group of people I mentioned are only to happy to take something the wrong way. So here is me explaining a few of the areas of contention around my opinions on the transgender subject.

Sex/gender

Two areas to this for me, biological and mental. I will address the latter later and focus on the biological first.

Dictionary definition of sex, "either the male or female division of a species, especially as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions." Which seems straightforward but as there is more than one definition it can get more complicated than it seems with one offering up divisions on a behavioral characteristics basis. Sticking to biology you can't change your DNA, so on a microscopic level you will always be male or female. The obvious exception of course being hermaphrodites, I honestly don't know if this can be seen at a DNA level. I did find this explanation on how it happens. "True hermaphrodites are due to specific mutations that cause the development of the sexual organs to be altered. They are usually born ambiguous (although there is a condition where what looks more like a female suddenly has tests drop at puberty)." In short it can be random. My feeling is someone will always, from a scientific point of view (biologically at least) you will always be a male or a female.

Now the mental. The definition for gender is more open to interpretation on who could fall in to what category and this is why, when you read the tweets on the subject gender is often used by trans people to explain things but as people don't understand the difference between sex and gender it gets confusing and debate descends in to chaos. This area is one where the nature/nurture argument comes up and it is never as straight forward as that. Sure if you brought up a girl as a boy their whole life chances are they would think they are a boy, but be honest, if it does happen (send me details if it has) it will be rare. All our brains are wired in a certain way and I wouldn't suggest, even for a moment, that you suddenly just choose to think that you are a woman/man. It just wouldn't make sense. Much like sexuality and sexual attraction something just clicks a certain way.

How you live

Now this is the one area where there is choice. You can choose to live as a woman or a man, and I say this as a positive thing so hear me out before you get angry. I did a bit of twitter research and noticed a few times that people would put down that they are a "part time" living as a trans man/woman. It struck me that this is similar to a gay person who hasn't "come out" to their friends and family. Living a lie as it were, scared of what may happen when they do reveal all. This is perfectly understandable. By revealing the truth you are bound to come in to some prejudice at some point so making that decision  is something that requires bravery.

You can't change your DNA, you can't change how you are wired but you can choose how to live. If you have been brave enough to take that leap then you should be proud of your choice because it was honest and brave. 

Robert

UPDATE: This from @MsRobynN to add weight to some of my points http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11814300 

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A plea from a broken man

Happy new year everyone, made any resolutions? If you smoke currently, used to or are starting to try to quit please read this and forward on to anyone you know in those camps. This is not a nag, just want to make that clear, this is just me sharing a story in a non judgmental manner. There is no point in anyone ramming the dangers of smoking down anyone's throats, we all know. It would take monumental amounts of stupidity to not realise smoking is bad for you.

I am have recently turned 29 and have a 16 month old boy, I love him more than I could describe and can't imagine a moment without him. I expect this is how most parents feel about their children. You just want to share in every moment. My mother in law was present at the birth of Thomas (my boy) and I know it was a special moment for her. Sadly my mother has never seen Thomas, never held him in her arms, never watched him stumble around the house learning to walk or utter half garbled words that only we understand. That's because my mother died in 2008 at the age of 48.

My mother always smoked, I never remember a period when she didn't smoke. It was just one of those things, because she always did it I never thought anything of it. While I have no medical proof to upload on here I am almost certain that her smoking contributed to a premature death. It was traumatic, the ambulance service didn't exactly hurry, the trauma of giving CPR to my mother for half an hour (roughly, time was vague as you could imagine) is something that I live with daily.

The emotions you go through in the aftermath of an event like this is hard to describe, pain and anger were the most common and it is in this I get to the point. I was angry at my mum for causing me such pain. Think about that for a moment, doesn't seem logical does it. Well she knew what she was putting in to her body could shorten her life but chose to do it. Now because of this every happy event in my life has a tinge of pain and sadness. Until such a day comes that I can rationalise in my head that she would be dead naturally this will be the case. Until I can do that every Christmas, birthday or significant event will always have a hint of sadness.

My mum never saw me get married, never got to hold her grandson in her arms and as time goes by will miss out on so much more. Worst of all I will be left feeling sad at a time when I should feel nothing but joy. Next time you are surrounded by loved ones think about all the amazing things in their future and ask yourself if you want to see them happen, still feel like lighting up?

If this has made you think about quitting go to http://smokefree.nhs.uk/quit-tools/quit-kit/ and please, give it a go.

Robert

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Chuck the Charm it’s Time to Get Tough

This is a guest piece from @Battsby who was one of the inspirations behind this blog. Read more of his work at "When I'm King"

So there you are, driving along in your automobile, Chuck Berry appositely providing a soundtrack to your perfect afternoon. An empty road stretches out ahead, straight as a die and not a car in sight. Almost a mile in the distance you see a slouching figure approaching a pedestrian crossing. Obviously he’s going to look right, look left, look right again and cross in the knowledge that he has the best part of a minute to negotiate his passage. But no, of course he doesn’t do that, because the correct etiquette today is to press the button first, then proceed as outlined above and be well on his meandering way to buy crack or smack or cigarettes as you slide to a halt at an empty crossing.

My contempt for these people knows no bounds because not only is it extremely discourteous, it is a microcosmic example of the lengths people will go to in order to avoid thinking for themselves, or about others. It may be sheer ignorance, it may be a sense of entitlement, but whatever it is it needs nipping in the bud right now. The phenomenon of road related rage is well known, but today its petrol-fuelled headlessness spreads out across the land like a tin of toxic, tactless treacle, oozing its way everywhere, never to be fully rid from the fibres of our society. Getting your kicks on Route Sixty-six is more than likely to end up with getting your head kicked in, out in the sticks these days.

 b

We used to know how to behave in a crowd, a queue, an audience, but I see little evidence today of classic British good manners. Children loudly demand instant gratification and their teenage parents give in immediately, as they’ve been trained to do, the chocolate-covered little ingrates pressing sticky fingers everywhere as unembarrassed mothers hand over empty wrappers to be scanned at the checkout. They waddle around, these products of Cool Britannia, with no particular place to go and bellies bigger than Buster Bloodvessel, constantly grazing on garbage and leaving a trail of packaging behind them. Woe betide if you have a low-walled frontage because to them it is just a convenient skip.

Intervene in any way to correct, protect or prevent a breach of the peace and you will become a target. Once upon a long ago there was an expression “don’t cheek your elders”. One two three four - Happy days, five six seven eight - they’ll be swinging off your garden gate and calling you a pedophile. Then the law will be called in to ‘protect’ you from the vigilantes and pretty soon you’ll be hounded out of town. Because the law is on their side; they’ve got rights, haven’t you heard? All for politely requesting they use the bin provided not three feet away from where they are busily fouling their own patch.

It would be depressing enough if such behaviour was recognised as being wrong and as such was fought against on a variety of fronts but, sadly, at least part of the problem stems from sheer ignorance of once died-in-the-wool protocols coupled with an utter disregard for the rights of others.

Justice, Mr B style!

So, Come On! That’s Too Much Monkey Business but You Can’t Catch Me, they say. So maybe it’s time to begin the fight back? Maybe it’s time we returned to a system where the Bobby on the beat could administer a good old thrashing on the spot? If Johnny won’t B Goode he can suck my police state Ding-a-Ling till the Wee Wee Hours… and that’s about as many Chuck Berry songs as I dare cram into the final paragraph! Be courteous out there.

In Defence Of Sexism

I have just sat through another sexist TV advert and my blood is boiling. But, you may be shocked to hear, it's not because the advert is sexist but that the powers that be allow men to be depicted in this way but what would happen if it was aimed at women?

Let me take you back to 2002 and the Yorkie "It's not for girls" campaign. I liked this, it was funny, very much "tongue in cheek" and if you have a sense of humour, utterly non offensive. The clip attached to this blog is a great example; I actually remember my mum proudly announcing that she would buy a Yorkie the next morning just because of the slogan. Sadly, stupidity followed, sampling activity based around the campaign was banned in several cities, including Birmingham and Liverpool, after being deemed "sexist." Now, I disagree with this, but if you set a standard you must stick to it. However it appears men are easy targets.

My first annoyance was with a Boots cold remedy advert. I think it has appeared a few times over the cold and flu seasons. Two women, full of cold, talking about how busy they are and how their poor husband's are at home suffering from "a bit of a cold," oh the poor mites. Obviously all men are useless hypochondriacs when faced with a sniffle. This is not my experience at all, but hey, lets have a laugh at men, the useless bastards.

Recently it is the Christmas adverts from ASDA and Morrison's. Of course what happens at Christmas is men do nothing to help. It is far too dangerous to allow a man to do anything without direct supervision because he would get it wrong. I couldn't begin to describe the amount of work my Dad did to provide for a good Christmas for us as a family and I don't know any family where both parents were together where this wasn't the case. But hey, massive brands are allowed to demean men in this way. Just a thought on the ASDA advert, if your man leaves you to sit on the bean bag for Christmas dinner, dump him, seriously, don't let his arse touch the floor as you kick him out.

But should they ban these adverts with demeaning stereotypes of men? No, absolutely not. Don't take them seriously, they shouldn't be taken seriously and you know what? This is a free world. Ladies can buy a different company's chocolate bar if they are so offended, I can shop somewhere other than the offending supermarkets and get cold remedies from Superdrug. Vote with your feet people!

Also, could you poke fun at women in the same way? Well I don't think so. Let's say someone has invented a way to install an automatic parking system on any car (such devices exist in some new cars but it is not mainstream yet) and to do it cheaply. My advert opens with a small car struggling to park in a bay, cut to inside and the woman shakes her head, smiles at a man in the seat next to her and asks him to park. It would work like a montage of similar clips of women failing miserably to park leaving frustrated men to park the cars while women walk away in various moods. Then some clever slogan and explanation of the amazing auto parking system. What do you think would happen? No worse than the ASDA advert is it? But just imagine the reaction.

Much like referees in football matches it is consistency I want. So I say let the adverts happen but when some feminists get their knickers in a twist over some slight let's remind them of ASDA and Boots. Lets ask them what they think of the demeaning way men are portrayed in those adverts and suggest they get a life. But women will never be portrayed like that, ad men and women will be far too scared to do so. It's career suicide and they know it, best stick to picking on men.

Robert


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